Amystery

equipose equinox

Denali also known as Mount McKinley and the first snow of the season.

Thanks to all for the kind comments about my Zada. I am going slowly, feeling out this new life without her. It is strange to be going through this during a season of transitions.

Today we are equal day and night, but it feels like that moment on the teeter-totter when you are balanced; a perfect line with the horizon before  your butt goes plummeting back to the ground. Winter feels a bit like that around here, it can show up quickly on your doorstep. I turned under my garden today and the scent from the frost killed herbs filled my nose as reminder to hold these senses dear. In fact I feel a bit like an insane collector this time of year...crumpling leaves between my fingers, rustling my feet in the dry grass, picking every ripe berry I spy. Even a simple event like putting on my sunglasses, or watching the river flow free of ice are given more gravity. I always hope to approach winter with more balance and hope. There a couple events this winter that will make this one a bit more of a challenging than past years, perhaps that is why I am not looking forward to it. Or maybe it is just the dark and cold.

Last weekend we had a road pass to drive in the road in Denali National Park. Personal vehicles are not allowed on the park road, so usually you only get to witness the park through the windows of a Bluebird school bus, or on your own two feet. However every year they have a drawing and a limited number of passes are given out. We were gifted a pass for last Monday and made a very healing trip to the end of the road. The night before it snowed quite a few inches at the highest point on the road so I know it will only be a matter of time, yet even I have to admit how beautiful it is. I will post some more pictures of our trip over at my flickr site. It will be ten years in 2008 since I first came to Alaska and those first weeks were spent at the very end of the park road during the early weeks of September. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the changes in my life since that visit, and how deeply and completely I fell in love with this wild state.

update

My beloved kitty Zada passed away tonight from kidney disease. I was with her in the end and she purred and loved me all of her last moments on Earth. I am going to miss her gentle presence in my life. Thank you for all your love and good energy over the past week, it has meant the world to me.

the many ways a heart can break

I found out yesterday that my dear cat Zada has kidney disease. She hasn't been feeling well over the past week or so and when she started losing interest in food I knew it was time to head for the vet. I am crushed, she has been in my life for the past eleven years and is my constant companion. All through my unfocused twenties, the various major events of my adult life, she has been there to cuddle me through it. I can't imagine my life without her. I knew this moment would come, and likely soon, but I wasn't prepared for the feelings of heartbreak that come with it. This hardest thing about this disease is that she could live for a lot longer in this state....hardly eating, drinking tons of water, unhappy and luckily not in pain, but the selfish part of me doesn't know how I am going to be able to take it. Even now she doesn't seem like my cat anymore. I have been crying too much, trying to come to grips with this. What does it mean to lose a pet? How can I just slog through my day like normal when she feels so badly? I want to just embrace this time with her, but have not reached that stage yet and instead just feel like I am in limbo.

Anyway, I know this doesn't compare to the sickness and death of a person, but to me it feels that huge. Please send your healing thoughts her way, if you had a chance to meet her you would know that she loves everyone and would have purred and snuggled you every chance she got.